Relationary

The idea that early bonds with caregivers shape a lasting style for how we handle closeness and distance in relationships.

A couples therapy that treats most conflict as a panic over lost connection and works by rebuilding the emotional bond.

John Gottman's research-based approach to couples, built on decades of observing what separates relationships that last from those that fail.

An explanation of why people stay in relationships: how satisfied they are, how good their alternatives look, and how much they have invested.

A four-step way of speaking that separates observation from judgment to ask for what you need without blame.

The sense that your partner understands you, values you, and cares for you, one of the best-supported drivers of relationship quality.

Structured programs that help couples build skills and surface issues before marriage, with modest but real evidence they help.

The idea that we seek relationships to grow, and that sharing new and exciting experiences keeps a couple close.

A hugely popular claim that people give and receive love in five styles, with little evidence behind it.

John Gottman's most widely cited finding from decades of observational research at the University of Washington's "Love Lab." He identified four…

The constructive counterpart to the Four Horsemen. Gottman's positive framework for what happy marriages actually do.

The capacity to stay yourself, with your own thoughts and calm, while staying close to people who matter.

The idea that love wants closeness and safety while desire wants distance and mystery, and the two are always in tension.

A couples therapy built on the idea that we unconsciously pick partners who match our childhood wounds so they can be healed.

Developed by Stan Tatkin. Combines attachment theory with interpersonal neuroscience.

Gottman's umbrella model, the theory that the Seven Principles map onto.

The theory that love is made of three ingredients, intimacy, passion, and commitment, mixed in different proportions.

Milan and Kay Yerkovich's model of five core styles shaped by childhood family dynamics.

One of two insecure attachment patterns: a strong pull toward closeness paired with a persistent fear of being abandoned.

An insecure attachment pattern built around self-reliance and discomfort with too much closeness or dependence.

John Gottman's term for any attempt — verbal or nonverbal — to get attention, affirmation, or connection from a partner.

Arguably the most-used relationship word of the last decade.

Three related but distinct concepts. Codependency: excessive emotional reliance on a partner, often paired with enabling harmful behavior; identity is…

Gottman's key distinction. A complaint addresses a specific behavior in a specific situation: "I was hurt when you didn't call last night." A criticism…

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Identified by psychologist Jennifer Freyd.

Gottman's concept: beneath almost every gridlocked conflict is a deeper dream, hope, or value each person is protecting.

Communicating that a partner's feelings make sense given their experience — even if you wouldn't feel the same way and even if you disagree with their…

The least common insecure pattern: wanting closeness and fearing it at the same time.

Gottman's term for physiological overwhelm during conflict. Heart rate exceeds 100 bpm, stress hormones surge, and the brain's ability to process and…

A manipulation pattern that causes the target to question their own perception, memory, or sanity.

Dorothy Tennov coined this in 1979. The obsessive, intrusive, all-consuming state of infatuation — the "can't stop thinking about them" phase of early…

A pattern where someone overwhelms a new partner with attention, affection, compliments, and intensity very early in a relationship.

Gottman's term for the detailed mental map you maintain of your partner's inner world — their dreams, fears, stresses, preferences, history, and goals.

One of Gottman's most important findings: 69% of all relationship conflict is perpetual — rooted in fundamental personality differences or values that…

The common loop where one partner pushes for engagement while the other pulls back, each move feeding the other.

Any word, action, or gesture intended to de-escalate tension during conflict.

Stan Tatkin's term. A relationship orientation where both partners explicitly prioritize the relationship and operate as a genuine two-person team.

PSO: In healthy relationships, positive feelings are strong enough that minor irritations don't feel threatening — a neutral comment reads as neutral or…

Scott Stanley's framework from the premarital research. Couples either *decide* their way through relationship transitions (explicit conversations and…

Gottman's term for beginning a difficult conversation without attack.

Popularized by Emily Nagoski in *Come as You Are* (2015), building on Rosemary Basson's clinical research (~2000).

Arthur Aron's 1997 study on generating interpersonal closeness in a lab setting.

Stephen Karpman's model (1968). Three roles that people cycle through in dysfunctional relationship dynamics: Victim (feels powerless, persecuted…

Gottman's research finding: stable, happy couples have at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative during conflict.

A metaphor with three overlapping versions: Stephen Covey's "emotional bank account" (*The Seven Habits*), Gottman's emotional bank account in his…

A strong emotional attachment to a person who causes harm, formed through cycles of abuse followed by positive reinforcement (affection, apology, gifts…

Widely used in recovery communities but applicable to relationships broadly.

Not a relationship-specific framework, but highly relevant. People with an internal locus tend to take responsibility for their own emotional states and…

A physics metaphor applied to relationships: without intentional energy input, relationships naturally trend toward disconnection and disorder.

A communication tool from the PREP program (Markman and Stanley), with roots in psychologist Haim Ginott's earlier complaint formula: "When you did X in…

A structured listening approach: giving full attention, reflecting back what was heard (paraphrasing, not parroting), noticing emotion beneath the words…

A set of agreed-upon guidelines for handling conflict without escalating into contempt or cruelty.

A basic communication distinction. "I felt dismissed when the conversation shifted" vs.

A research-backed premarital and early marriage program developed at the University of Denver by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley.

More talking does not equal better communication. Many distressed couples communicate constantly — and badly.

The advice intends to prevent resentment from festering. In practice, forcing resolution when both partners are flooded makes things worse, not better.

Gottman's research actually supports the finding that men who accept influence from their wives have more stable marriages — there's real data behind the…

Every relationship researcher and therapist would tell you the opposite: the relationships that last require consistent, deliberate effort.

Many things are natural and still worth managing or addressing.

Healthy love includes valuing a partner. Pathological jealousy is about anxiety, insecurity, and control — not the partner's value.

Love is real and it matters. It is not, by itself, enough.

Surface-level novelty may attract initially. But research consistently finds that similarity in values, communication styles, life goals, and personality…

Popularized by *Jerry Maguire*. The idea that a partner makes you whole.

John Gray's model suggests men and women are fundamentally different in how they communicate and process emotions.

The phrase (popularized by the 1955 Marilyn Monroe film) suggests marital satisfaction predictably craters at year seven.

The idea that there is a single perfect person destined for you and that love should feel effortless when found.

The intensity of early attraction (often limerence) is driven by neurochemistry, particularly dopamine and norepinephrine.

Sue Johnson's EFT term (often called an attachment wound): a specific painful experience in a relationship (often a moment of abandonment, betrayal, or…

The most corrosive of Gottman's Four Horsemen. Treating a partner as beneath you.

Being emotionally flooded or overwhelmed. Regulated: calm and present.

Developing a secure attachment style in adulthood despite an insecure start, typically through a long-term secure relationship, good therapy, or…

An intimate emotional connection with someone outside the relationship that crosses the boundary of what both partners would define as appropriate.

A state of perpetual conflict where neither partner moves and both feel deeply misunderstood.

Small, ambiguous behaviors that individually seem minor but collectively signal investment in someone outside the relationship (texting someone secretly…

The baseline healthy attachment style; comfortable with both closeness and independence.

Emotional withdrawal and shutdown during conflict. One of the Four Horsemen.

Involving a third party (friend, family member, therapist, even a child) in a conflict between two partners, often to build alliance or avoid direct…

Dan Siegel's term (1999) for the zone of physiological and emotional arousal where a person can engage effectively.